Carol Watches Raptor, Raptor Watches Edward

Tony convinced me to go see Eclipse yesterday, in his ongoing efforts “to understand middle school girls.” These are our preliminary observations:

* When presented with the choice between a rich very white dude and a working-class person of color (I’m talking about the character, not the actor), girls will always choose the former.

* Native American men (except for elders) never wear shirts. You see a lot of Jacob’s nipples (which Tony said looked like pacifiers).

* Heroines never do anything, but smell and taste good to supernatural creatures. Bella’s only ability is her being and her martyrdom. Most of the time she just gets carried around by the Jacob-of-the-pacifier-nipples (at least Sookie Stackhouse is a psychic).

* Heroines also never know what they think or want, but must be deciphered like palimpsests by their supernatural protectors.

In a funny coincidence, both Tony and I thought that references to “a cold one” were not to vampires, but to beers.

Also, we weren’t the only ones in the theater who thought that the dialogue was pretty funny.


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